Heart Examinations

:HEART EXAMINATIONS:

I lay there on my pillow, tossing and turning, the clock racing, and my thoughts in so many directions. I gasped in exasperation... why are so many of nights turning out to be like this? I cried out, "Lord...!" - Not quite sure where my words wanted to go or what I wanted to say. And then the Lord seemed to give me a rhema... a vision... a picture. It was as if I was being wheeled into an operating room. He was the Doctor and He was preforming open-heart surgery on me. As I lay there on the table, he peeled back the walls around my heart and peered straight into it. He could see every single emotion, he could see every desire, every intention, those feelings stuffed inside, every heart yearning... he could see it ALL.... right out and front and in the open. None of it was secret to Him. And ever so gently in the stillness of the night, he seemed to whisper to me in fatherly tones of love, "My daughter. Why are you worrying? Why are you letting your thoughts run? I can see *every thing* in your heart. Every ache. Every desire. Every yearning. Don't forget Psalms 37:4-5 [my 'life verses'] Those words are true. I see it ALL. You can't hide anything from Me. I see, I know, and I care." And like a heavy brick being lifted off my chest, I fell into a deep slumber...

:IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM, AND THE LOVE THAT HE GIVES:

Just last week, God brought some faith-testing circumstances into my life. One of them being the possibility that I would not be able to make it over to Thailand -- being $1,000 short of what I needed. One particular night, I felt particularly depressed and discouraged. I locked myself into a room, grabbed a kleenex box [ha, and it seemed like I went through half of it...], and poured it all out. "God? What is going on? It's seemingly impossible to do what I know Your will for my life is! I'm trying to make progress here!" Aha... right away, it was if He said, "THAT is your problem." It was my attitude. It was ME making progress for me. for MY photography. for MY benefit. So I could prove to others that *I* dont need a guy to bring me ultimate happiness and boost my ego, *I* can travel the world, *I* can do this. I. I. I. I layed there ... and I saw myself bowing before Him in the throne room of heaven... and I suddenly saw myself in "dust and ashes" at His feet, a broken vessel made out of dirt - begging him to humble me and rid me of my pride. I am not worthy of Him! And through the broken pieces, He is teaching me what life is all about. It's about Him. It's about His world. And about reaching His people that He so dearly loves.

And so, I am about to embark on a journey. A journey that will lead me across the other side of the world to southeast Asia, namely to the country of Thailand. It's not about teaching English to little kids. It's not about me taking cool pictures. It's about Him... and the awesome, incredible love that He wants to shower on all His people.

These words have been on my heart repeatedly throught the last few days....

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord (x4)

Acting humbly
Loving mercy
We must go, we must go
To the broken
And the hurting
We must go, we must go

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go